He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
