Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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