I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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