somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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