I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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