I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
