i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
