take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
