I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
