Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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