pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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