She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
