he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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