I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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