lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
