So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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