Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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