I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
don't judge my taste in strippers
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
