sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize