I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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