I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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