I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
