I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
