we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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