he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
