my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I smell like Dick and happiness
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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