i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..