I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
