if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
