I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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