I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
