I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize