Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
