No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
