seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
