Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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