i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
