you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY