I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
