dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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