Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
