the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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