Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
