I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
