I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
