Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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