chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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