i will never coherently bang her
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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