Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
