is your mom at the bar?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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