Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
