Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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