just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
