remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
