dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
