He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
