I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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