I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
