I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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