no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
