I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were trust falling into bushes
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
