I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
barbara walters just said penis...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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