I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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