My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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