I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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